Five months ago I rashly declared that I was beginning to blog again and almost instantly I felt myself withdrawing into myself and finding the route back to my blog blocked once again by some inner constriction preventing me from taking the leap back. I can’t quite rationalise or put into words the feeling I have when I start to write specifically for the blog, but it is has been a visceral, physically uncomfortable, choking feeling emanating from my stomach and my diaphragm. It almost has that sickly feeling of pining after a lost love. I miss blogging so much and yet getting back to it feels always just out of reach. I am aware that there are many reasons behind this and I talked about some of them in my post from five months ago, but I think as I analyse these reasons there is a huge big elephant in the room that I must acknowledge and find a way to deal with. And that of course is my journey through cancer. Don’t worry this post isn’t going to be about cancer, but in terms of identifying the block, I need to voice this problem.
During the two years of illness and my recovery since, I have used writing as a release, filling journals and word documents with my thought processes of dealing with the complex response I have had, and am still having, to cancer and to the aftermath it has wrought on me. I don’t want to stop, in fact it is a significant aid in my recovery. The problem is, when I sit down to write, it is this ‘inner’ stuff that wants to come out. I feel the issues I am having are relevant to many people, and I want to be able to voice these thoughts but, crucially, not here. So as fool-hardy as this may seem, I am going to create a separate blog where I can really talk openly and freely about the changes wrought in me, ageing, coping with physical change, confidence-building, the personal stuff. That doesn’t mean there won’t be personal stuff on here but I won’t feel restrained by the thought ‘but this is supposed to be a knitting blog’ in a separate space, and as a reader, you can choose which content you would prefer to read. I will probably move previous posts on this blog about my cancer journey to this other space. This is a personal decision purely for me, so that I don’t unexpectedly see me at various points in my journey looming up at me from the related posts just at a moment when I really don’t want to see myself in that way. Its not about hiding what has happened but about moving things into manageable compartments and I can decide when and what I expose myself to when I open up my blog. It also gives me the freedom on the new blog to share more useful information for other women finding themselves in the same position as I did.
On a practical level one of the issues I’ve been having on this blog is I just don’t know where to start again from. Despite the outward chaos on the table top around me, I crave order and structure in my writing and need it to start at a logical point and move forward from there. But now I’ve addressed the shadowy figure in the corner, I feel ready to move on, to talk about achievements in the last year, the exciting things that are happening here on the farm and elsewhere, what I’m working on now, what I plan to do next, what am I knitting, what have I designed lately and so, so much more. Are you ready to come with me over the next few weeks on a whistle-stop tour of 2018, bringing us bang up to date with what is happening now, next and in the future? I do hope so.