Decisions, Decisions

posted in: personal, writing | 11

Five months ago I rashly declared that I was beginning to blog again and almost instantly I felt myself withdrawing into myself and finding the route back to my blog blocked once again by some inner constriction preventing me from taking the leap back. I can’t quite rationalise or put into words the feeling I have when I start to write specifically for the blog, but it is has been a visceral, physically uncomfortable, choking feeling emanating from my stomach and my diaphragm. It almost has that sickly feeling of pining after a lost love. I miss blogging so much and yet getting back to it feels always just out of reach. I am aware that there are many reasons behind this and I talked about some of them in my post from five months ago, but I think as I analyse these reasons there is a huge big elephant in the room that I must acknowledge and find a way to deal with. And that of course is my journey through cancer. Don’t worry this post isn’t going to be about cancer, but in terms of identifying the block, I need to voice this problem.

Susan standing on a driveway looking away from the camera

 

During the two years of illness and my recovery since, I have used writing as a release, filling journals and word documents with my thought processes of dealing with the complex response I have had, and am still having, to cancer and to the aftermath it has wrought on me. I don’t want to stop, in fact it is a significant aid in my recovery. The problem is, when I sit down to write, it is this ‘inner’ stuff that wants to come out. I feel the issues I am having are relevant to many people, and I want to be able to voice these thoughts but, crucially, not here. So as fool-hardy as this may seem, I am going to create a separate blog where I can really talk openly and freely about the changes wrought in me, ageing, coping with physical change, confidence-building, the personal stuff. That doesn’t mean there won’t be personal stuff on here but I won’t feel restrained by the thought ‘but this is supposed to be a knitting blog’ in a separate space, and as a reader, you can choose which content you would prefer to read. I will probably move previous posts on this blog about my cancer journey to this other space. This is a personal decision purely for me, so that I don’t unexpectedly see me at various points in my journey looming up at me from the related posts just at a moment when I really don’t want to see myself in that way. Its not about hiding what has happened but about moving things into manageable compartments and I can decide when and what I expose myself to when I open up my blog. It also gives me the freedom on the new blog to share more useful information for other women finding themselves in the same position as I did.

Susan standing on a driveway with her back to the camera

On a practical level one of the issues I’ve been having on this blog is I just don’t know where to start again from. Despite the outward chaos on the table top around me, I crave order and structure in my writing and need it to start at a logical point and move forward from there. But now I’ve addressed the shadowy figure in the corner, I feel ready to move on, to talk about achievements in the last year, the exciting things that are happening here on the farm and elsewhere, what I’m working on now, what I plan to do next, what am I knitting, what have I designed lately and so, so much more. Are you ready to come with me over the next few weeks on a whistle-stop tour of 2018, bringing us bang up to date with what is happening now, next and in the future? I do hope so.

for now,

Susan xx

11 Responses

  1. Anna Larsson
    | Reply

    I’m looking forward to that! Seems as very practical to divide your writing space in different subjects, both for yourself and your readers. I know from personal experience that when your mind play tricks with you and “elephants” are around, a practical approach can be very helpful. English isn’t my first language, so I don’t know if I make myself really understood, but I hope so. I wish you all the best!

  2. Penny
    | Reply

    Well done on finding your way though the block! Xx

  3. Val
    | Reply

    Looking forward to reading both blogs, so start wherever you feel is right. Pleased to have your wrto look forward to again. Thank you

  4. Anne Howe
    | Reply

    Dear Susan, it’s hard to acknowledge to ourselves sometimes that our shadowy side still exists and at times wants nothing to do with disappearing in the shadows. It took central stage and everything else go shoved off your path. On the one hand you cannot let go of your experiences because they are so impregnated on your physical self and on the other hand, the other Susan needs time to cope with what happened. You are doing this very publicly and not privately so please don’t rush, you have made so much headway physically but the other side of you needs time to work through some elements where your private life needs nurturing slowly. You are doing great, take your time and force nothing. We will be alongside you.

  5. Marguerite
    | Reply

    Dear Susan, you’ve chosen your paths and I’ll surely stroll along beside you down both lanes. You’re a strong woman with so much in your heart and mind to share. Thank you for your monumental efforts. x

  6. Marilyn Frances
    | Reply

    I, for one, will seek out future writings in your personal column of the blog. I’ve never been to see a therapist, but writing a blog has got to be so much cheaper (smile). Just go there and know that many followers love you and wish you well. Your sweater is awesome AND so is the hat!

  7. Susan Wilkins
    | Reply

    Complete respect for how you have cut the pie into manageable pieces. I look forward to enjoying your words in each piece.

  8. Baamekniits
    | Reply

    Sounds like a great solution. Looking forward to reading both blogs and continuing to follow your journey.

  9. Sally Ann Gray
    | Reply

    Can not wait to hear and read your words again

  10. Ginny
    | Reply

    Move bravely forward on all fronts, and know that many of us have made a similar journey, or may in the future be forced to do so by circumstances. It will be helpful and healthful for you, and for the rest of us too to read your thoughts and about your journey. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and your experiences. And thanks for the lovely Constant Companion sweater — I love the pomegranate color — it looks great on you, and thanks for the pattern and the lovely yarn.

    I am almost 30 years post breast cancer surgery and I still get antsy at times (just before the annual exam for instance) but I have faith, hope and all the rest. Plus I am a fighter and because I think that the almost overwhelming use of toxic chemicals has caused some of the cancers that we are experiencing I’m campaigning in my writing to attempt to get them banned. Onward!

  11. Karen
    | Reply

    I also look forward to reading both blogs. As an aside, I was given your wonderful book, THE VINTAGE SHETLAND PROJECT, for Christmas. I’m devouring each page. Thank you for your work, your time, and your enthusiasm. It’s truly a gift.

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